Enough
I used to love to write.
And then, it seems, I have managed to forget how.
The urge strikes me every now and then, the desire to type out the words of my thoughts or the beginnings of a story but then I don't know how to share those thoughts or what story I want to tell. Who do I share my thoughts and stories with? Do I write them down in secret, do I resurrect a long neglected blog and brush off the cobwebs to add more words upon a pile of thoughts from someone I'm not sure I am anymore?
I've even pulled up a document or opened up a notebook, ready to let the words go. Then I stop. Because I'm not sure where to start or where I'm going. So the page stays blank.
It's easier to have a stream of thoughts in my head, sounding like I've written them down, but never letting them see the light of day. There they are safe. Free from the scrutiny of myself and of others. And see there lies part of the problem. Maybe The Problem. How do I share my thoughts and stories with the people who might read them.... that I would never share with them if we were to sit down for a cup of coffee or run into each other at a party? How much sharing is too much? How do you know when you've revealed too much or gone on for too long?
Slowly I've withdrawn myself from sharing my thoughts, in the name of being too busy to sit and write them out or too distracted by the quick scrolling of my newsfeed.
First I shared on my blog, but then I was afraid of what others might think. So I occasionally shared on Facebook, but then I worried about what others might think. Instagram seemed safe for a time so I shared on there and, when it seemed neutral enough, I would share those photos on Facebook. Then I started to worry what others might think. Maybe they wouldn't think anything at all. Maybe they didn't care and just scrolled by the the thought "Oh there she is, oversharing again. We didn't need to know."
So now I share only the highlights, the bright moments with just the simplest of captions. Today I went here, with this person, we did this thing. The stories on Instagram are safer - within 24 hours they will be gone so it doesn't matter if you let too much slip there.
How do you let yourself be vulnerable when your life is intertwined with so many others? It's never just your story there is always someone else twisted in with it. What if they don't want their story shared? And what about personal branding, and getting people to read what you've written and comparing yourself to the other blogs and thoughts and stories and feeling defeated because how can you measure up? You're not artsy, you're not poetic, you're not deep, you are just you.
And how do you know that will be enough?
And then, it seems, I have managed to forget how.
The urge strikes me every now and then, the desire to type out the words of my thoughts or the beginnings of a story but then I don't know how to share those thoughts or what story I want to tell. Who do I share my thoughts and stories with? Do I write them down in secret, do I resurrect a long neglected blog and brush off the cobwebs to add more words upon a pile of thoughts from someone I'm not sure I am anymore?
I've even pulled up a document or opened up a notebook, ready to let the words go. Then I stop. Because I'm not sure where to start or where I'm going. So the page stays blank.
It's easier to have a stream of thoughts in my head, sounding like I've written them down, but never letting them see the light of day. There they are safe. Free from the scrutiny of myself and of others. And see there lies part of the problem. Maybe The Problem. How do I share my thoughts and stories with the people who might read them.... that I would never share with them if we were to sit down for a cup of coffee or run into each other at a party? How much sharing is too much? How do you know when you've revealed too much or gone on for too long?
Slowly I've withdrawn myself from sharing my thoughts, in the name of being too busy to sit and write them out or too distracted by the quick scrolling of my newsfeed.
First I shared on my blog, but then I was afraid of what others might think. So I occasionally shared on Facebook, but then I worried about what others might think. Instagram seemed safe for a time so I shared on there and, when it seemed neutral enough, I would share those photos on Facebook. Then I started to worry what others might think. Maybe they wouldn't think anything at all. Maybe they didn't care and just scrolled by the the thought "Oh there she is, oversharing again. We didn't need to know."
So now I share only the highlights, the bright moments with just the simplest of captions. Today I went here, with this person, we did this thing. The stories on Instagram are safer - within 24 hours they will be gone so it doesn't matter if you let too much slip there.
How do you let yourself be vulnerable when your life is intertwined with so many others? It's never just your story there is always someone else twisted in with it. What if they don't want their story shared? And what about personal branding, and getting people to read what you've written and comparing yourself to the other blogs and thoughts and stories and feeling defeated because how can you measure up? You're not artsy, you're not poetic, you're not deep, you are just you.
And how do you know that will be enough?