What Anxiety Looks Like For Me
I'm told May is Mental Health Awareness Month.
Do I have a mental health problem? Sometimes I feel that is too strong a term compared to what other people are going through. I don't need medication. Do I need therapy? Probably. Does it keep me from functioning?
I guess that depends on what you mean by "functioning."
I can drive. I'm not housebound. I can get behind the wheel of my car and pull out of the parking lot. Sometimes I have to pull over and catch my breath, but then I can keep going.
Some days are better than others. I haven't driven on the highway in almost a year but I can manage to drive long distances. Most of the time. Sometimes it feels impossible to drive down the street.
2015 - I was waiting at a stoplight and a pickup truck rear-ended a car two cars behind me. The trunk of my car got pushed in a little, but it was an old car anyhow so that was alright.
2016 - I was driving to work and a woman in an SUV turned left into the front end of my car. I was lucky she turned into the hood of my car and not the driver's side door. It was a brand new car. I only had a sprained finger but my car was totaled.
2017 - I was driving home from Mass with my mom and two sisters and a kid rolled through a stop sign and hit the side of my car. No one was hurt, my car went to the shop for a week and I've been driving it fine since.
2018 - I was riding in my fiance's car on the way to work when a driver in the next lane didn't see us and merged into the side of the car. It was more of a bump than anything. No one was hurt, it was only a small dent in the side of his car.
I can remember the moment of impact from each of those events so clearly. The sound of the accident in 2016 is one that I can still hear sometimes when I am the most tense. The anxiety didn't start right away, it took its time but each accident just built it up a little more.
I used to be able to drive in downtown Chicago, no problem. Driving hours across the country down the interstate didn't phase me. I enjoyed driving and I would rather be the one doing it than the passenger.
And now, I find myself running over my route countless times before I get in the car. If I am driving somewhere new, that isn't close to home, I start looking at the Street View on Google Maps days before. What is the route like? What is the shoulder of the road like? Is there space for me to pull over if I start to panic? What alternate routes can I take in case the default route isn't working for me? Please tell me there won't be any bridges I will have to drive over.
When I was getting closer to being unable to make myself drive on the highway, I was coming home late from visiting with a friend. What should have been a forty minute drive took me over an hour as I had a wave of panic come over me and I pulled onto the shoulder of the road. I called my mom and made her stay on the phone with me as I inched down the road until I could get off where I wove my way through neighborhoods until finally I was in my driveway.
Music helps. Not all music, but certain playlists do. Not all music helps all of the time. Sometimes I'm okay with instrumental, sometimes I need words to sing along to. Sometimes I need words I can sing along to but nothing too upbeat so my heart rate doesn't pick up. Chewing gum helps a little, weirdly. Eating food, not really, but chewing gum does.
Sometimes I'm able to start driving and relax into it. I'm okay, I can do this and everything is good. Sometimes I need to pull over because my mind has decided the car driving a reasonable distance behind me is a threat and I need to let them pass. Sometimes I'll have the window down and life is great then suddenly my heart rate spikes, I can't breathe and the world looks like it is shaking.
Sometimes I feel a wave of sheer terror and I manage to pull over and I sit there wondering how I will ever be able to move from that spot.
Then I always manage to keep driving. I get to where I am going, eventually. And I usually don't talk about it. Because really what is there to say?
Should I be in therapy? Probably. I tried it once and it was okay and I learned one kind of coping technique but he didn't seem to really care about following up so I didn't go back.
Do I want to talk about it? No, not particularly.
At this point I am okay with just living with this. I want to get better but I am not there yet. Right now looks like being gentle with myself. With telling myself it is okay to take as long as I need to to get somewhere. To not mentally berate myself for pulling over to breathe or taking a more indirect route if that is what I feel more comfortable with. I'm not ready for full on active recovery mode. Someday, but not now.
If you are someone I've trusted to help distract me from my anxiety when I need it, thank you for being there. If you are someone reading this and wondering what you can do to help me -
Please don't withhold an invitation because you think I won't come. I will do my best to get there but
If I can't make it, please don't assume I'm blowing you off or I don't want to be there.
Please be patient with me, but please don't bring it up unless I have first.
I don't want to drive around, always waiting for the sound of the next impact. I have been lucky so far and I can't stop myself from wondering sometimes how long my luck will hold out. I know I shouldn't assume there will be a next time but
What about the next time?
Do I have a mental health problem? Sometimes I feel that is too strong a term compared to what other people are going through. I don't need medication. Do I need therapy? Probably. Does it keep me from functioning?
I guess that depends on what you mean by "functioning."
I can drive. I'm not housebound. I can get behind the wheel of my car and pull out of the parking lot. Sometimes I have to pull over and catch my breath, but then I can keep going.
Some days are better than others. I haven't driven on the highway in almost a year but I can manage to drive long distances. Most of the time. Sometimes it feels impossible to drive down the street.
2015 - I was waiting at a stoplight and a pickup truck rear-ended a car two cars behind me. The trunk of my car got pushed in a little, but it was an old car anyhow so that was alright.
2016 - I was driving to work and a woman in an SUV turned left into the front end of my car. I was lucky she turned into the hood of my car and not the driver's side door. It was a brand new car. I only had a sprained finger but my car was totaled.
2017 - I was driving home from Mass with my mom and two sisters and a kid rolled through a stop sign and hit the side of my car. No one was hurt, my car went to the shop for a week and I've been driving it fine since.
2018 - I was riding in my fiance's car on the way to work when a driver in the next lane didn't see us and merged into the side of the car. It was more of a bump than anything. No one was hurt, it was only a small dent in the side of his car.
I can remember the moment of impact from each of those events so clearly. The sound of the accident in 2016 is one that I can still hear sometimes when I am the most tense. The anxiety didn't start right away, it took its time but each accident just built it up a little more.
I used to be able to drive in downtown Chicago, no problem. Driving hours across the country down the interstate didn't phase me. I enjoyed driving and I would rather be the one doing it than the passenger.
And now, I find myself running over my route countless times before I get in the car. If I am driving somewhere new, that isn't close to home, I start looking at the Street View on Google Maps days before. What is the route like? What is the shoulder of the road like? Is there space for me to pull over if I start to panic? What alternate routes can I take in case the default route isn't working for me? Please tell me there won't be any bridges I will have to drive over.
When I was getting closer to being unable to make myself drive on the highway, I was coming home late from visiting with a friend. What should have been a forty minute drive took me over an hour as I had a wave of panic come over me and I pulled onto the shoulder of the road. I called my mom and made her stay on the phone with me as I inched down the road until I could get off where I wove my way through neighborhoods until finally I was in my driveway.
Music helps. Not all music, but certain playlists do. Not all music helps all of the time. Sometimes I'm okay with instrumental, sometimes I need words to sing along to. Sometimes I need words I can sing along to but nothing too upbeat so my heart rate doesn't pick up. Chewing gum helps a little, weirdly. Eating food, not really, but chewing gum does.
Sometimes I'm able to start driving and relax into it. I'm okay, I can do this and everything is good. Sometimes I need to pull over because my mind has decided the car driving a reasonable distance behind me is a threat and I need to let them pass. Sometimes I'll have the window down and life is great then suddenly my heart rate spikes, I can't breathe and the world looks like it is shaking.
Sometimes I feel a wave of sheer terror and I manage to pull over and I sit there wondering how I will ever be able to move from that spot.
Then I always manage to keep driving. I get to where I am going, eventually. And I usually don't talk about it. Because really what is there to say?
Should I be in therapy? Probably. I tried it once and it was okay and I learned one kind of coping technique but he didn't seem to really care about following up so I didn't go back.
Do I want to talk about it? No, not particularly.
At this point I am okay with just living with this. I want to get better but I am not there yet. Right now looks like being gentle with myself. With telling myself it is okay to take as long as I need to to get somewhere. To not mentally berate myself for pulling over to breathe or taking a more indirect route if that is what I feel more comfortable with. I'm not ready for full on active recovery mode. Someday, but not now.
If you are someone I've trusted to help distract me from my anxiety when I need it, thank you for being there. If you are someone reading this and wondering what you can do to help me -
Please don't withhold an invitation because you think I won't come. I will do my best to get there but
If I can't make it, please don't assume I'm blowing you off or I don't want to be there.
Please be patient with me, but please don't bring it up unless I have first.
I don't want to drive around, always waiting for the sound of the next impact. I have been lucky so far and I can't stop myself from wondering sometimes how long my luck will hold out. I know I shouldn't assume there will be a next time but
What about the next time?